Have you ever watched a cat give itself a bath, not only a whisker/ear clean, but a full bath? i've been sitting here in my office/guest bedroom, attempting to come up with a first sentence for this article on self-talk, and i've been watching Rosie the cat. she's in the middle of the bed, having a thorough wash- she's been at it for fifteen minutes! What has struck me, is how lovingly she treats herself. She twists and turns, wraps both paws around her tail and embraces it while she washes. Her eyes are half-closed as she cleans. It's almost like a meditation.

I've practiced some forms of meditation for a number of years, but lately, as I read and learn more about it, I realize what a novice I am. There are so many different meditative disciplines out there. My practice is to listen to a CD using autogenic phrases and healing visualization at night, and in the mornings, deep breathing and visualization. At other times, i'll find a quiet place and create a few minutes of quiet time, just being with myself. I meditate when I walk and hike: listening to and feeling the things around me and listening to and feeling my body. In the past, i've attended meditation retreats, where we would sit, legs crossed, eyes closed, for long periods of time, just "Being in the Moment." I remember having some feelings of failure in those workshops- I was noticing my legs cramp, backache or itchy nose while I perceived other participants having enlightening experiences. Which brings me to the subject of Self-Talk.

If the focus of meditation is to quiet the mind, be in the present, be kind to ourselves; then self-talk is the noise-maker; the interrupter; the "self-doubt creator". We all have that little voice that can be our friend or foe, always giving us messages about ourselves; how we're doing; how other people are seeing us. Picture a little wizened crone (a witchlike person) with pinched face, pursed mouth, beady eyes, sitting on your shoulder. This "Aunt Ninny" can be a real pain. you've worked all week on a report; feel good about your research, facts and figures; and are ready for your presentation. But, as you sit in the meeting or classroom and hear other people's reports, Aunt Ninny pipes up, creating self-doubt: you should have done more; you're not a good writer etc. She may even escalate to "I can't do anything right; i'm a failure." Aunt Ninny pops everywhere, in all our life situations. The Vacation-I packed way too much and none of it's the right stuff. The Party- i've worn the wrong thing again! The Job Interview- i'm not good enough, I know I will not get it. The Final Exam- I can't do math; i'll fail, even though I studied. Exercise Class- I know this big red exercise ball is going to roll right out from under me and roll across the floor; i'm not coordinated like everyone else. The Meditation- my back aches, my stomach is growling and all I can think about is lunch; i'm just not doing it right.

We can switch this negative self-talk to positive by practicing a few techniques. And it does take practice. Negative self-talk can be habit that can take awhile to change. Firstly, acknowledge Aunt Ninny when she pops up. Ignoring her doesn't work! Notice the self-doubt, the concern about what other people think. Be aware of the role past experiences play in giving Aunt Ninny her ammunition. And when she's firing away, take a deep breath and picture her fading away as you start replacing her rhetoric with new messages about yourself To yourself. "The last presentation I gave was good and was well-received. i've worked harder on this one;" or "I'll bet nine out of ten people over-packed too" (judging by the amount of luggage most people bring to airports, this is likely true); or " that darn red exercise ball did roll out from under me the other day in pilates class and the world didn't end. In fact, it was funny and two other people said it happened to them all the time."

The second technique is a little more difficult and one that i'm particularly working hard on. It involves letting go, lightening up and being kind to ourselves. Letting go is releasing those feelings of having to be in control of ourselves; our thoughts, emotions, fears, other people's thoughts and feelings. Yikes! For a control/list-maker/organizer/facilitator person like myself, that's a big one. And yet, when i've experienced those moments of "letting go", I felt such a sense of freedom; a two hundred pound Aunt Ninny off my shoulders. We have to talk with ourselves in a new way; have an in depth, earnest conversation about what we want and what we're selecting. We have to really listen to our bodies and pay attention to our emotions. We have to truly express our mind/body connection through self-care and self-love. Lightening up and being kind to our selves becomes part of that conversation, a conversation we can have daily, many times a day , to create a compassionate relationship with who we're now.

Just as Rosie the cat gave herself up completely to her bathing ritual, involving every part of herself, we can also learn, perhaps baby-steps at a time, to give ourselves up to moments in our busy lives. Our self-talk can move us towards a more positive relationship with ourselves and with the world around us. Making time for quiet moments, listening to ourselves and enjoying the present can become a daily meditation for all of us. "the future is an infinite succession of 'presents'" (Howard Zinn)

Wishing you Happy New Year and good conversation,

Barbara Ehlers-Mason, RN